Sunday, January 1, 2012

Resolution: More or Less

I just spent about an hour re-reading all my blog posts from 2011. It was an interesting year starting off with the ECU Symposium and progressing to my Thesis exhibition and graduation. Next came a summer of travel (to Arrowmont in June and July and Peter's Valley in August) and meeting more amazing people than I can count. Then, the utter bewilderment of winding up right back where I started, endless paperwork and nothing happening in the studio except some production pieces and a whole lot of bad enameling. Interspersed in all this were a few small disasters (the study abroad office screwing up my financial aid, Overnight Prints screwing up my show postcards, the Post Office screwing up nearly everything, the Grad and Registrar Office screwing up my paperwork and not posting my degree, the debate over my show in Phoenix, etc.) and A LOT of time in the car.

All this looking back has made me come to a startling and unsettling realization: I was a better person 6 months ago. I was a stronger, more fearless, more giving, grateful and centered person at the start of 2011 than at the end. The art was certainly better, and I'm wondering "What the hell happened?"

I'm not the type for New Years Resolutions, preferring to make dozens of smaller resolutions hundreds of times throughout the year, which I keep anywhere from 30 seconds up to a month or so. I've come to the understanding that one can make a change in one's life whenever one is ready and any day can be the start of the next new year.

I know the changes I want to make, they're always the same: more making, more making things happen, less stress, less worry, less anxiety. More beach, more love, more time with friends, less jealousy, more breathing. More cooking and baking and sewing and time outside. Less wanting and spending and time wasting. More giving and forgiving. Less existential despair, and more being "ok".

But it's hard to feel motivated safely ensconced on my parents couch, following the too full days of the holiday season. But I'll be back down south in a week or so, and for me the feeling of a chance to start over is typically tied to going, or even going back to a place. I'm teaching a class at a community college this spring, and I'm hoping the two day a week obligation will anchor me somewhat in my unfocused adrift of a life. You know, the chance to be more than just a walking talking cat bed.

So Happy New Year, today and everyday. Cheers.

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